so last night I prayed to be released from the spirit of negativity, and loneliness. So I know things should not change like in a blink of an eye, but I’m just stuck, and can't figure out what to do.

On my way to work, I realized I’ve been 30-40 minutes late for work everyday, just because I just don’t' care. I love my job (the kids part of it). I love being able to help these kids, and I know this is my calling, and for know I should be at Elwyn, but I wish I could leave all the other crap behind... I feel so over worked, under paid, and just ignored. 

 I am in an office with 9 other people, in that office, 7 other people in this office, just settle for things in life. They settle to be happy to work 24/7 and not have like 10 minutes to do work. They settle with the need to either pick doing paperwork, or actually consulting with a teacher to make things a little better. They settle with a complete mess in this office (we have crap laying all over the place, there is crap over ever counter top, cabinet's are filled to the bring, and this place is just plain unorganized. When I attempt to clean i get "oh Liz  are you nesting?" I have given up on reorganizing stuff to make it better, because if I move ANYTHING, I get yelled at.  I just plain give up, but yet I have to give up, because i can’t stand this settling spirit.   I was more than to settle in complete mess, in complete un-organization, when I can do something (but can’t because of my other 7 office mates). I should give up, just to make life easier, but yet I can’t settle, I can’t give up.

I just don’t' know where to turn, because yes this is an amazing realization, but yet I still have no clue what to do. I've received some peace in just realizing the issue, but also totally believe that I need to do more, but i have no clue what I can do. I’m completely tied, and holded. Please give me any ideas if you have any, if not, please just pray with me that I can just deal till the end of the school year, and then can figure some of this out over break.

Ya know a question has been running through my mind since i think Sunday night, and i know on this oen Only God can answer, I’m just not sure if it's one of those in ?my time" i will find the answers

So I’m just going back and forth on this...

Lately i just feel like yes i have friends around me, but the question is, is that are they the right once? I look at my life, and see that not a lot has changed over the last three years (and yes i know- my view point may be jaded) but i just don’t' see monumental, WOW- changes. As i begin to move on with my life, from my group, from my safety, i see that the safety wasn’t as much of a net as i thought it was, and that maybe it was just my mind frame that kept me there.  But know the question is, who can i turn to in times of trouble, in times of pure frustration, anger, and sadness, who can i turn to??  I know God should be my number one guy, and i want to work on that, but i just can’t help but question where others are coming from. 

I have so many in my life, who are wiling to through out advice, willing to lend an ear, willing to talk, but yet there is only one that i can stand true on the words of. I realize too, that that i needs to change, but it's scary to realize there are many out there, but your just not sure if they can help. Some i question their motives, and I can deal with that. The harder ones i question, and a double hitter. Because i know they are care for me, and I know they are trying, but just sometimes their advice seems flawed, young, and inexperienced. Alto of times they are giving advice that they themselves can’t preach, or have wavering opinions everyother day. Please hear me, I too am at the same point- which leaves me to wonder, how anyone can get any growth.

Think of it as swimming,,

 if everyone is treading water, sinking, then treading again, will anyone truly get safetly?? And don't quote me as i want safety (though at times it feels like it's a massive lack in my life) but how can anyone teach us to swim sideways, the backstroke, or the even just to float on our belly’s, if NONE of us can do that??    Or even worse, is one of us learning, but then we just say lets just tread, so they go back to that?? It seems to me, none of us will never learn to float, or swim, if we continue to tread.  But where do we find those to teach us to swim? Where do they come from?? Will they stay until we have been taught?  But better yet, if one person tries to swim, and seems to finally move away from treading water- do they wait for the others to follow? Do they remain close by, and swim in circles, surrounding the treaders for support, or do they  swim away?  And if they swim away- is it unfair?? is it unfair that the one swimmer finally got it down, but doesn't wait for the others?? 

And is the swimmer, just faking themselves out- thinking they they can swim when others around them can!  to 

So that is the questions?? Does she swim, or does she hold on for others to learn with her? And if she is purely tired of treading water, or remaining the same- is it wrong for her to swim away, even when there are those close by, and swimming very close to her? And even learning to float, or butterfly, or swim under water, or doggy padal, when she is just learning to do a straight swim?

so all the way back in late may of last year i wrote this entry.....

Ever feel stuck between?

It stinks doesn't it? When you make your world around something for over two years, it's very hard to let go, but yet you can feel a nudge saying jump ahead- get out!

I wanna run.. but where too?????

Where are there new bonds to be built? New connections to be made??

 There is none!

All that is out there is a great obis of nothingness

                So do i......................

                                              jump

                                                         OR

                                                                 stay??

Yeah i wrote that two years ago, and just monday i finally decided to make the decision to jump. At this point it was more a nudge, or a little skip out, but still- wow i struggled for almost a whole year as to is i should stay in a group, or leave.

I have to say it was partly God's intervention that i met Rachael form staying, but i just wonder sometimes where i would be if i had left a year ago- would i be more free?? would i be the same?? I know it wouldn't' help to turn back time, but i just wonder how my walk would be different if i had left way back when??

So know here i sit, life alto differnt form just that short year ago. I"m struggling with being single, struggle with the fact that i have to start all over again, with some guy that is out there some where, in the great world.   It's scary to realize i have to start my life with a whole different person, I will have to learn to love yet another person, and my worst fear i will have to loose yet another person.

I know at this time i'm not ready fr a relationship, i know my life is just way to screwed up at this point to even begin to share my life with another person. But yet I see everyone around me married, engaged, dating, some even divorced, and remarrying. Although i would never want to be in their shoes of divorced and now remarrying, but i just wonder about myself. All these people are younger then me, have jobs just like me, but yet they can find someone to marry, and spend the rest of their life with- So what is wrong with me??

Altogether i know that answer, it just is hard sometimes, It's hard to wait on God to bring someone in, it's hard to wait on God to change me, and most of al it's hard to totaly trust God with this all. I really want to, and i know I need to, but when i see all the pain i always end up in, i just want to run, and keep runing, so i don't' have to face the pain.  

although i do see some light, and i finally feel some peace in a lot of things, there is just so much more that i feel i'm lacking, and i just wondering if i will ever get ahead, or if i will always fall ad lag behind... sometimes i just never know if i will make it.

there is a song by casting crowns, that kinda sums up a lot of what i just rambled on about- its' called caught in the middle, there are some days i feel like i'm in that middle with ni light at the end of the tunnel, others (like now) i feel more caught, know that i could go either way, but knowing that it's my choice. Those days i have hope, unfortunately lately those have been few and far between, but the last few days have been filled with some hope, and some peace so i can't complain, but i am fearful that this hope will be gone soon.

but anyway, enough rambling..

here is the song

Somewhere between the hot and the cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle

Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves

Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You're by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle